Creationists Announce New Theory of Gravity !

January 9, 2010 by · Comments Off
Filed under: Humor 

 

Creationists Announce New Theory of Gravity !
By August Berkshire
[PDF]

This essay is available as a tri-pane pamphlet for easy printing.

Today a spokesman for the Institute for Creative Research (I.C.R.), located in Fault Line, California, announced a new theory of gravity that contradicts traditional scientific explanations.

Dwayne Wish, head of the I.C.R., stated, “This is one of the most glorious days in the 6,000 year history of our universe.  Finally, we have a theory of gravity that is just as sound as our theory of creation.”

Wish went on to explain, “Most scientists think all forces – such as gravity, electricity and magnetism – originally came from a single, common force.  They’re currently searching in vain for a Grand Unification Theory.  But there is no evidence of a common origin!  They have never discovered any transitional forces!  Where are the missing links?!

“Many scientists also believe gravity is caused by warped space or gravitons,” Wish continued.  “Has any scientist actually seen this?  Was any scientist there when gravity first occurred?  And yet they have the gall to claim gravity is part of nature!  It is intellectually arrogant to assume gravity is a naturally occurring, rather than a supernaturally occurring, phenomenon.”

Asked what alternative the I.C.R. proposed, Wish smiled and said, “We’re offering a much more plausible explanation for gravity: the Theory of Angelic Pressure.  It should be obvious to any rational person that the universe is filled with invisible, undetectable angels who constantly push objects towards the Earth – objects that would otherwise drift away!

 

“There is plenty of evidence for our theory,” Wish continued.  “For example, in spaceships objects float about randomly.  They don’t go towards each other unless at least one of them is pushed by an astronaut.  This demonstrates that gravity works by design, not ‘random chance’.”

Asked what research the I.C.R. had done, Wish stated, “In Revelation 8:10 of the Holy Bible it says, ‘And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven…’  This is a clear reference to the fact that angels are responsible for gravity!  In addition, many pagan books, such as the Qur’an and the Book of Mormon, are also filled with references to angels.”

Wish went on to explain that although the Theory of Angelic Pressure is supported by the Bible, it is in no way based on it.  “That’s just a coincidence,” he declared.

“Our theory of gravity cannot be disproven, so it should be taught in public schools,” Wish continued.  “Not to teach it is tantamount to censorship!  Moreover, forcing students to believe a secular model of gravity is a violation of academic freedom and freedom of religion!  Traditional scientists blithely ignore the axiom that all theories are equally valid.”

When it was suggested there might be other equally valid theories, perhaps from other religions, that would explain gravity, Wish vehemently responded, “We have already discredited the ‘other model’ of gravity.  It’s obvious our Theory of Angelic Pressure is the only possible alternative.

“In fairness, students should be allowed equal time to hear our theory.  Both models of gravity should be presented, then students can make up their own minds.  At the very least, someone should take a public opinion poll to see if our theory is popular.”

Wish explained that the I.C.R. was establishing a special division to further investigate their theory of gravity.  “It’s going to be called the Center for Research on Angelic Pressure,” he said.  “C.R.A.P.”

© 1999 August Berkshire

 

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Season’s Greetings From The Secular Side

December 25, 2009 by · 1 Comment
Filed under: Atheism Articles, Humor 
Season’s greetings from the secular side:
Motivations may vary, but we all can spread joy and goodwill at this time of year
By August Berkshire
 
 
Axial Tilt Is The Reason For The Season
’Tis the season.  With winter coming, some members of the religious right have begun bracing themselves for the so-called annual atheists’ “war on Christmas.”  While we think that the government and public schools should remain neutral when it comes to religious celebrations, we have no interest in depriving anyone of whatever private celebrations they wish to conduct.

Nevertheless, in case you were wondering, here are the plans some of us have for December.

The cards we will be purchasing will not say “Merry Christmas” (or “Happy Hanukah” or “Happy Eid”) but rather “Season’s Greetings.”

After all, the original “reason for the season” is the winter solstice, which has long been appropriated by religious people to celebrate the birth or rebirth of their sun/savior gods.  Nowadays, with religion in decline, the reason for the season is becoming merely a time for festivities.  What’s wrong with that?

The trees that many of us will have in our homes will have colorful lights, originally symbolic of the post-solstice lengthening of days, but now just a pretty sight.

Of course, we will not have angels on top of our trees.  We know this will make us unpatriotic as, in this economy, it is likely to lead the treetop-angel-making industry to seek a federal bailout.

The meals we will share will not have prayers said over them, but we will give thanks to those who provided them and to our families and friends.

The songs we sing will be secular – “Jingle Bells,” etc.  But, fear not: Atheists are just as likely to sing them out of tune as religious people, though we will derive no less joy.

And jolly old Santa Claus?  Well, the disappearance of milk and cookies left out for him and the appearance of wrapped presents are evidence in the minds of many that he exists.  We’ll relax our skeptical standards for a day and leave Santa’s existence up to each person’s imagination.

© 2008 August Berkshire. This essay was published in the [Minneapolis] Star Tribune on November 23, 2008.

Inter-Non-Faith Dialogue, Part 2

December 15, 2009 by · Comments Off
Filed under: Atheism Articles, Humor 

Inter-Non-Faith Dialogue, Part 2
by August Berkshire

Cast:

Noah Waye, President of Universal Atheists
Mae Bea Something
, President of Unitarian Universalists
Johnny [Janey] B. Goode
, President of Universal Humanists
Ida Know
, President of Universal Agnostics
Sonny Demeanor
, President of Universal Brights

Set & Props:

A long table behind which are four chairs, with room for a fifth chair on the end, which is currently slightly off to the side.  Or, five microphone stands with music stands in front of them to hold scripts.  (If this many microphones are not available, two or more characters can share one mic.  Preferably the Atheist would not be sharing a mic with anyone.)

Five signs or t-shirts saying: “Atheist”; “Humanist”; “Unitarian Universalist” or “UU”; “Agnostic” or “?”; and “Bright” or a picture of a light bulb.  The first four descriptions of people, as well as the people themselves, are visible as the play opens.  The last description (Bright) is added after that character enters.  If signs are used, they may be placards on the table or hung in front of the microphone stands.

Scene:

The skit opens with the Atheist, Humanist, Unitarian Universalist, and Agnostic on stage.

Atheist:  Welcome to the second annual Inter-Non-Faith Dialogue.  My name is Noah Waye and I am the president of the Universal Atheists.  This year, in addition to an atheist, a humanist, and a Unitarian Universalist, we haven’t forgotten to include an agnostic… though I don’t know why…  Before we begin, it’s become our custom, since last year, to call on the president of the Unitarian Universalists, Mae Bea Something, to give us an opening invocation.

UU:  Thank you, Noah.  Oh, God, whom some of us call “nature,” and some of us call “the universal force,” and some of us call “the great unknown,” and some of us call…

Atheist: (interrupting)  Yes, we get the point.  Please move on.

UU: (slightly startled and recollecting herself)  Oh, God, teach us to have faith in your non-existence…

Atheist: (interrupting again)  That’s not exactly how it works…

UU: (unruffled this time, and slightly annoyed)  We ask this is the name of that which has no name…

Atheist: Okay, enough! (takes an exasperated breath).  And now I’d like to introduce the president of the Universal Humanists, Johnny B. Goode.

Humanist: Thank you, Noah.  I’d like to say how much I appreciate all the human effort that has gone into setting up tonight’s program.  Why, without humans…

Atheist: Yes… Well… thank you, Johnny.  And finally I’d like to introduce the president of the Universal Agnostics.  What was your name again?

Agnostic:  Ida Know.

Atheist:  Well, I don’t know either, that’s why I’m asking…

Agnostic:  No, it’s IDA… KNOW.

UU:  Did you every play third base in baseball?

Agnostic:  IDA KNOW!

Humanist:  You’d think that’s something a person wouldn’t forget…

Agnostic:  My name is IDA: I-D-A, KNOW: K-N-O-W…

UU:  Oh.  I’m sorry, Ida.  Our apologies.  I guess we can blame your name on your parents.  What were their names?

Agnostic:  My father is African.  His name is Dontwanna Know.  And my mother is Swedish.  Her name is Intha Know.

Humanist: (sympathetically)  Sounds like you had a very confused upbringing…

Agnostic: (shrugging it off; nonchalantly)  Oh, I don’t know…

Bright: (rushing in from off stage)  Wait a minute, aren’t you forgetting someone?!

Atheist:  Who are you?

Bright:  I’m Sonny Demeanor and I’m the President of the Universal Brights.

UU:  But it isn’t universally bright, except at the North or South Pole, and only then for six months a year…

Humanist:  Or in outer space!…

Bright:  No, no, no!  The Universal Brights… the Bright Movement…

Agnostic:  Does that have anything to do with florescent light bulbs?

Bright:  Brights!  We’re people who don’t believe in the supernatural…

UU:  So you’re an atheist!

Bright: (like a schoolyard taunt)  Look who’s talking!  You’re an atheist too, so there!

UU:  Am not!

Bright:  Are too!

UU:  Not all the time!  Sometimes I might not be!

Agnostic: (Interrupting, out of the blue, perhaps as if talking loudly to himself)  I don’t know…

Atheist:  Alright, whatever…  I think we can all agree… at least sometimes… or on some days of the week… that the supernatural doesn’t exist.

Bright:  Yes!

UU:  It depends if you mean that literally, figuratively, metaphorically, or symbolically…

Humanist:  I think “week” is a very Euro-centric measure of time…

Atheist: (exasperated)  What does that have to do with the existence of gods?!

Bright: (helpfully, insightfully)  Some of the days of the week are named after gods.

Agnostic: So if the days of the week exist, does that mean those gods exist too?

UU: It’s a good thing this meeting isn’t being held on Thor’s Day.

Humanist: What have you got against Thor?  Oh, sure, his lightning bolts would do some damage from time to time, but…

Atheist: You’re missing the point – Thor doesn’t even exist!

Agnostic: (genuinely puzzled)  How do you know?

Bright: (in a know-it-all fashion)  Because lightning is caused by electricity…

Humanist: (philosophically)  But do we really know what electricity is?

UU: (even more deeply philosophical)  For that matter, do we really know what reality is?

Atheist: I’m getting really tired of this!  Let’s get back on track here.  A lot of times at conferences like these they issue a statement at the end that everyone agrees with…

Humanist: Sounds good to me!

Bright: Me too!

UU: Me too!

Agnostic: I think so!

Atheist: (relieved)  You know, that’s the first thing we’ve agreed on all day.

Bright: You’re right!

(The next series of events happens while the Atheist looks on bewildered, not believing what he’s hearing.)

UU: So our statement will be: “We all agree that conferences like this usually produce a statement we can all agree with.”

Humanist: I second that motion!

Bright: All in favor?

(Agnostic begins rubbing his eye, as if there’s something caught in it.)

UU: Aye!

Bright: Aye!

Agnostic: Eye…

Humanist: I think “aye” [“I”] sounds a little too selfish.  Why don’t we all vote by saying “you”?

Agnostic (stops rubbing his eye, looking bewildered)  You?

UU: You!

Bright: You!

Humanist: You!

Atheist: You – have got to be kidding.  (turning to audience) And there you have it.  A rare moment of agreement in the Non-Faith Community… I think…  Thank you all for coming here today.  Join us again next year for our third annual Inter-Non-Faith Dialogue.

—–

“Woden’s Day” may be substituted for “Thor’s Day” if the skit is performed on a Thursday.

This skit was first performed on December 20, 2009 at the Freethought Follies in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, hosted by the Humanists of Minnesota and Minnesota Atheists.

© 2008-2009 August Berkshire

American Family Association is keeping a list, and checking it twice

November 23, 2009 by · Comments Off
Filed under: Humor 
The American Family Association is fighting back in the War On Christmas -- with

The American Family Association is fighting back in the War On Christmas -- with lists

Santa isn’t the only one keeping a list, except the American Family Association’s list has more in common with Joe McCarthy’s than the one kept by that jolly old elf. Yes, it’s time for the War On Christmas again, and the AFA has struck a pre-emptive strike by letting everyone know which companies are pro, anti or not Christmas-y enough. And how exactly does the AFA determine just which companies are disrespecting Jesus’ birthday?

“Company uses the term “Christmas” on a regular basis, we consider that company Christmas-friendly.

Company refers to Christmas infrequently, or in a single advertising medium, but not in others.

Company may use “Christmas” sparingly in a single or unique product description, but as a company, does not recognize it.”

So there you go. If you don’t use the word “Christmas” enough, you’re anti-Christmas according to the AFA. Don’t despair though if the AFA doesn’t think your company is Christmas-y enough. Just provide documentation to the House UnAmerican Activities Committee AFA and they’ll take you off their “bad” list. However, if you don’t repent and admit the error of your anti-Christmas ways, the AFA will call for a boycott on your sorry big box, just like they’re doing with Gap, Old Navy and Banana Republic. I guess there’ll be a lot less stylishly dressed AFA members this year.

You can probably guess which list I’ll be shopping from.

God Loves You

October 1, 2009 by · 4 Comments
Filed under: Humor, The Problem Of Evil 

“God  Loves  You”
(A Few Reasons to Doubt the Existence of an All-Powerful, All-Loving God)
By August Berkshire [PDF]

abscesses, acne, addictions, adenitis, adenoids, AIDS, albinism, allergies,,ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), Alzheimer’s disease, amnesia, anemia, aneurysms, angina, anorexia nervosa, anthrax, anxiety attacks, aphasia, appendicitis, apoplexy, arteriosclerosis, arthritis, asphyxia, asthma, astigmatism, athlete’s foot, attention deficit disorder (ADD), autism, avalanches, back aches, bedsores, Bell’s palsy, beriberi, bipolar disorder, birth defects, blackouts, bladder infections, blemishes, blindness, blisters, blizzards, bloating, boils, bone cancer, bone spurs, botulism, bowlegs, breast cancer, brain cancer, breech presentations, Bright’s disease, brittle bone disease, bronchitis, bruises, bubonic plague, bulimia, bunions, bursitis, calcinosis, canker sores, cardiac dysrhythmia, cardiomyopathy, carpal tunnel syndrome, cataracts, cellulitis, cerebral palsy, cervical cancer, cervicitis, chapped lips, chickenpox, chlamydia, choking, cholera, cleft lips and palates, clubfoot (talipes), cold sores, colic, colitis, colon cancer, color blindness, comas, common cold, congestion, congestive heart failure, conjunctivitis, constipation, convulsions, coronary occlusions, coughs, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, cyclones, cystic fibrosis, cystitis, cysts, dandruff, dangerous plants and animals, deafness, deformities, dehydration, delirium, delirium tremens, delusions, dementia, dental problems, depression, dermatitis, detached retinas, deviated septums, diabetes, diaper rash, diarrhea, diphtheria, dislocated joints, dizziness, Down’s syndrome, droughts, dysentery, dyslexia, dysphagia, dysphasia, dysuria, ear infections, earthquakes, Ebola virus, ectopic pregnancies, eczema, edema, elephantiasis, embolisms, emphysema, encephalitis, endocarditis, endometriosis, enteritis, epidemics, epididymitis, epilepsy, Epstein-Barr virus, erectile dysfunction, excessive ear wax, fainting, fallen arches (flat foot), farsightedness (hyperopia), fevers, fibrillation, fibromyalgia, fibrosis, fistulas, flatulence, floods, frostbite, gallstones, ganglions, gangrene, gastrinomas, gastritis, gastroenteritis, germs, gingivitis, glaucoma, goiter, gonorrhea, gout, granuloma, Graves’ disease, halitosis, hallucinations, hay fever, headaches, heart attacks, heartburn, heart murmurs, hematomas, hemiplegia, hemophilia, hemorrhages, hemorrhagic fever, hemorrhoids, hepatitis (A, B, & C), hernias, herniated & slipped disks, herpes, hiccups, high blood pressure (hypertension), HIV, hives, Hodgkin’s disease, humpbacks (kyphosis), Huntington’s chorea, hurricanes, hydrocephalus, hyperactivity, hypercholesterolemia, hyperemia, hyperglycemia, hyperthermia, hyper-thyroidism, hypertonicity, hyperuricemia, hypochondria, hypoglycemia, hypothermia, hypothyroidism, impacted teeth, incontinence, indigestion (dyspepsia), infarctions, infections, infertility, infestations, inflammations, influenza, insanity, insomnia, iritis, irritable bowels, ischemia, itches, jaundice, Karposi’s sarcoma, keratitis, keratosis, kidney failure, kidney stones, knock-knees, labor pains, laryngitis, Legionnaires’ disease, leprosy, lesions, lethargy, leukemia, lice, lipidosis, lipomas, liposarcoma, liver cancer, lordosis, low blood pressure (hypotension), lumbago, lung cancer, lupus, Lyme disease, lymphangitis, lymphedema, lymphocytosis, lymphomas, macular degeneration, malaria, malocclusions, manias, mastitis, measles, melancholia, melanomas, meningitis, menorrhagia, menstrual cramps, mental illnesses, mental retardation, migraines, miscarriages (spontaneous abortions), mononucleosis, monsoons, morning sickness, multiple personality disorder, multiple sclerosis, multiple system atrophy, mumps, muscle cramps and spasms, muscular dystrophy, myalgia, myasthenia gravis, myelitis, narcolepsy, nausea, nearsightedness (myopia), necrosis, nephritis, nephrosis, nervous breakdowns, nervous tics, neuralgia, neuritis, neuroses, night blindness, nosebleeds, obesity, osteitis, osteodystrophy, osteoporosis, otitis, ovarian cancer, Paget’s disease, pain, palsy, pancreatic cancer, paralysis, paranoia, parasitosis, Parkinson’s disease, pericarditis, periodontitis, peritonitis, phantom pain, pharyngitis, phlebitis, phobias, pimples, pinched nerves, plagues, pleurisy, pneumonia, poisons, polio, Pott’s disease, premature births, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), prions, prostate cancer, psoriasis, psychoses, psychosomatic illnesses, ptomaine poisoning, quicksand, rabies, rashes, Raynaud’s disease, resistance to curative drugs, retinitis, retinitis pigmentosa, retroviruses, Reye’s syndrome, Rh incompatibility, rheumatic fever, rheumatism, rhinoviruses, rickets, riptides, Rocky Mountain spotted fever, rubella, ruptures, salmonella, sandstorms, sarcomas, scabies, scarlet fever, schizophrenia, sclerosis, scoliosis, scurvy, seizures, senility, septicemia, severe thunder storms, shingles, shock, sickle-cell anemia, skin cancer, sleep apnea, smallpox, sneezes, sore throats, sores, spastic colons, speech disorders, spina bifida, sprains, stillbirths, stomach cancer, strep throats, strokes, styes, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), sunburn, sunstroke, swelling, syphilis, tabes, tardive dyskinesia, Tay-Sachs disease, teething pains, temper tantrums, tartar, tendinitis, testicular cancer, tetanus, thrombosis, tinnitus, TMJ, tonsillitis, tooth decay, torn cartilage, tornadoes, Tourette’s syndrome, toxemia, toxic shock syndrome, transplant rejection, trauma, tremors, trench foot, trichinosis, tropical storms, tsunamis, tuberculosis, tumors, tunnel vision, typhoid fever, typhoons, typhus, ulcers, uremia, urethritis, uterine cancer, vaginitis, varicose veins, vertigo, viruses, vomiting, warts, whooping cough, yeast infections, yellow fever, zoonoses

 

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