Inter-Non-Faith Dialogue, Part 2
Inter-Non-Faith Dialogue, Part 2
by August Berkshire
Cast:
Noah Waye, President of Universal Atheists
Mae Bea Something, President of Unitarian Universalists
Johnny [Janey] B. Goode, President of Universal Humanists
Ida Know, President of Universal Agnostics
Sonny Demeanor, President of Universal Brights
Set & Props:
A long table behind which are four chairs, with room for a fifth chair on the end, which is currently slightly off to the side. Or, five microphone stands with music stands in front of them to hold scripts. (If this many microphones are not available, two or more characters can share one mic. Preferably the Atheist would not be sharing a mic with anyone.)
Five signs or t-shirts saying: “Atheist”; “Humanist”; “Unitarian Universalist” or “UU”; “Agnostic” or “?”; and “Bright” or a picture of a light bulb. The first four descriptions of people, as well as the people themselves, are visible as the play opens. The last description (Bright) is added after that character enters. If signs are used, they may be placards on the table or hung in front of the microphone stands.
Scene:
The skit opens with the Atheist, Humanist, Unitarian Universalist, and Agnostic on stage.
Atheist: Welcome to the second annual Inter-Non-Faith Dialogue. My name is Noah Waye and I am the president of the Universal Atheists. This year, in addition to an atheist, a humanist, and a Unitarian Universalist, we haven’t forgotten to include an agnostic… though I don’t know why… Before we begin, it’s become our custom, since last year, to call on the president of the Unitarian Universalists, Mae Bea Something, to give us an opening invocation.
UU: Thank you, Noah. Oh, God, whom some of us call “nature,” and some of us call “the universal force,” and some of us call “the great unknown,” and some of us call…
Atheist: (interrupting) Yes, we get the point. Please move on.
UU: (slightly startled and recollecting herself) Oh, God, teach us to have faith in your non-existence…
Atheist: (interrupting again) That’s not exactly how it works…
UU: (unruffled this time, and slightly annoyed) We ask this is the name of that which has no name…
Atheist: Okay, enough! (takes an exasperated breath). And now I’d like to introduce the president of the Universal Humanists, Johnny B. Goode.
Humanist: Thank you, Noah. I’d like to say how much I appreciate all the human effort that has gone into setting up tonight’s program. Why, without humans…
Atheist: Yes… Well… thank you, Johnny. And finally I’d like to introduce the president of the Universal Agnostics. What was your name again?
Agnostic: Ida Know.
Atheist: Well, I don’t know either, that’s why I’m asking…
Agnostic: No, it’s IDA… KNOW.
UU: Did you every play third base in baseball?
Agnostic: IDA KNOW!
Humanist: You’d think that’s something a person wouldn’t forget…
Agnostic: My name is IDA: I-D-A, KNOW: K-N-O-W…
UU: Oh. I’m sorry, Ida. Our apologies. I guess we can blame your name on your parents. What were their names?
Agnostic: My father is African. His name is Dontwanna Know. And my mother is Swedish. Her name is Intha Know.
Humanist: (sympathetically) Sounds like you had a very confused upbringing…
Agnostic: (shrugging it off; nonchalantly) Oh, I don’t know…
Bright: (rushing in from off stage) Wait a minute, aren’t you forgetting someone?!
Atheist: Who are you?
Bright: I’m Sonny Demeanor and I’m the President of the Universal Brights.
UU: But it isn’t universally bright, except at the North or South Pole, and only then for six months a year…
Humanist: Or in outer space!…
Bright: No, no, no! The Universal Brights… the Bright Movement…
Agnostic: Does that have anything to do with florescent light bulbs?
Bright: Brights! We’re people who don’t believe in the supernatural…
UU: So you’re an atheist!
Bright: (like a schoolyard taunt) Look who’s talking! You’re an atheist too, so there!
UU: Am not!
Bright: Are too!
UU: Not all the time! Sometimes I might not be!
Agnostic: (Interrupting, out of the blue, perhaps as if talking loudly to himself) I don’t know…
Atheist: Alright, whatever… I think we can all agree… at least sometimes… or on some days of the week… that the supernatural doesn’t exist.
Bright: Yes!
UU: It depends if you mean that literally, figuratively, metaphorically, or symbolically…
Humanist: I think “week” is a very Euro-centric measure of time…
Atheist: (exasperated) What does that have to do with the existence of gods?!
Bright: (helpfully, insightfully) Some of the days of the week are named after gods.
Agnostic: So if the days of the week exist, does that mean those gods exist too?
UU: It’s a good thing this meeting isn’t being held on Thor’s Day.
Humanist: What have you got against Thor? Oh, sure, his lightning bolts would do some damage from time to time, but…
Atheist: You’re missing the point – Thor doesn’t even exist!
Agnostic: (genuinely puzzled) How do you know?
Bright: (in a know-it-all fashion) Because lightning is caused by electricity…
Humanist: (philosophically) But do we really know what electricity is?
UU: (even more deeply philosophical) For that matter, do we really know what reality is?
Atheist: I’m getting really tired of this! Let’s get back on track here. A lot of times at conferences like these they issue a statement at the end that everyone agrees with…
Humanist: Sounds good to me!
Bright: Me too!
UU: Me too!
Agnostic: I think so!
Atheist: (relieved) You know, that’s the first thing we’ve agreed on all day.
Bright: You’re right!
(The next series of events happens while the Atheist looks on bewildered, not believing what he’s hearing.)
UU: So our statement will be: “We all agree that conferences like this usually produce a statement we can all agree with.”
Humanist: I second that motion!
Bright: All in favor?
(Agnostic begins rubbing his eye, as if there’s something caught in it.)
UU: Aye!
Bright: Aye!
Agnostic: Eye…
Humanist: I think “aye” [“I”] sounds a little too selfish. Why don’t we all vote by saying “you”?
Agnostic (stops rubbing his eye, looking bewildered) You?
UU: You!
Bright: You!
Humanist: You!
Atheist: You – have got to be kidding. (turning to audience) And there you have it. A rare moment of agreement in the Non-Faith Community… I think… Thank you all for coming here today. Join us again next year for our third annual Inter-Non-Faith Dialogue.
—–
“Woden’s Day” may be substituted for “Thor’s Day” if the skit is performed on a Thursday.
This skit was first performed on December 20, 2009 at the Freethought Follies in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, hosted by the Humanists of Minnesota and Minnesota Atheists.
© 2008-2009 August Berkshire
